Why You Should Rethink Your Expectations for the First Date
When it comes to dating apps and meeting new people, one of the biggest mistakes many of us make is having unrealistic expectations about how we should feel on the first date. Who can blame us? After all, Hollywood romantic comedies (Rom-Coms) have trained us to believe that the first date is supposed to be an emotional rollercoaster, with sparks flying from the moment we meet. But let’s be real—first date feelings aren’t always like that.
In this post, I’ll dive deep into why it’s crucial to reconsider your expectations and explore how you can shift your mindset for a better, more successful dating experience.
What Should You Really Expect on a First Date?
Ask yourself this: Why do you feel the need to feel a certain way on a first date? Do you believe that having a rush of emotions will determine the success of your relationship or that it shows if you’re truly attracted to the person? It’s common for us to have these expectations because we’ve felt a certain way with people we’ve dated in the past. But is that feeling really a reliable indicator of compatibility?
Many people go into dates asking themselves if they can see themselves marrying this person (if that’s what they want, of course). This mindset can be problematic, as it shifts your focus from enjoying the moment to searching for “The One.” You may end up not giving a second date to someone just because you didn’t feel that “butterfly” sensation or immediate chemistry.
But here’s the real question: Does how you feel on a first date really determine if you’re a good match with someone?
The Science Behind First Date Feelings
Lori Gottlieb, a renowned psychotherapist and bestselling author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, highlights an interesting study in her book. The study followed couples from the time they met their partner (on their first date) and checked in with them every five years for about twenty years.
What they found is eye-opening: People’s memories about their first date were often revisionist. Those who were happily married later claimed they felt an immediate connection or chemistry—even if they were unsure at first. On the other hand, people who didn’t stay together later claimed they were never attracted to their partner, despite having a positive report at the time.
The takeaway? Stop putting so much pressure on needing to feel a certain way on the first date. Attraction and chemistry may develop later as you get to know someone better.
The Reality of First Dates – First Impressions Aren’t Everything
It’s important to understand that first dates often don’t reveal the full picture of who the other person is. Some people might be nervous and have a hard time opening up. Others may try too hard to appear interesting, which can actually backfire and come across as forced or cringy—something that could turn people off instantly.
That’s why it’s crucial to give people a chance beyond the first date. If you chose to go on the date, there must have been something about that person that intrigued you or caught your attention. Take the time to get to know them—sometimes the best connections take a little while to develop.
Give Them a Chance – And Give Yourself a Chance Too
Remember, a first date is just that—the first of many potential opportunities to connect. If the person was respectful, kind, and genuine, they deserve a second chance. Don’t let unrealistic expectations about how you should feel cloud your judgment. Give yourself the opportunity to discover if they’re someone worth getting to know better.
You might be surprised by how your feelings evolve over time as you get to know the person. So next time you feel pressure to experience a certain level of chemistry on a first date, take a deep breath and let things unfold naturally.
Final Thoughts on First Date Expectations
While Hollywood may make us believe in instant sparks and immediate chemistry, the reality of dating is more complex. The first date is just a beginning—not a judgment. Keep an open mind, be patient, and remember that lasting connections take time.
Instead of looking for that rush of emotion, try to enjoy the experience and focus on the person in front of you. Give yourself permission to have fun and get to know someone without the pressure of deciding right then and there if you see yourself marrying this person in the future. Instead just decide whether or not you would like to see this person again for a second date.
