One of the great mistakes many people make when coming on a date is having high unrealistic expectations about how they “should” feel on the first date. However, who can blame us? when Hollywood Rom-Coms brainwash us into thinking that we are supposed to feel a rush of different emotions. I think it would be beneficial that we dive deep into analyzing what the first date means for us and see if we can shift our mindset into a better view of the first date. If you believe it is important for you to feel a certain way on a first date, ask yourself why. Why? Why do you feel you should to feel a certain way for someone you just met? Do you feel that having these feelings will determine how successful your relationship would be? Do you think it determines whether or not you are attracted to them? This can very well be because you felt those familiar feelings with the dates you liked in the past. I’ve come to realize that many people who come in with this mindset come into dates asking themselves really if they can see themselves marrying this person. (That is if you are wanting marriage) If not more of a serious relationship. This can be problematic because you are not really in the present moment trying to have a good time but instead in a hunt for “The One”. As a result, a lot of people tend not to have a second date if they don’t feel how they believe they should be feeling. They think that if they don’t feel butterflies or the spark of chemistry the attraction is not there, leading us to dismiss potential partners. The real question is does the feelings or lack of feelings on a first date determine whether you are a good match?
Lori Gottlieb a renowned psychotherapist and bestselling author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough explains there is a study in her book that shows a longitudinal study that followed people from the time that they met their partner (first date) and checked in with them every five years for about twenty years. They found that people had a very revisionist history about how it was on their first date. People who were happily married claimed that they felt immediate chemistry, even if their initial reports indicated they were unsure. Those who did not stay together claimed that they were never attracted to their partner, despite reporting positively at the time. It is for this reason that we should stop putting so much pressure on feeling the need to feel a specific feeling.
Another thing people don’t realize is that the first date often does not show an accurate picture of who the other person is. Some people may be nervous on the first date and might find it hard to open up. Others might be trying too hard to seem interesting and instead come off as cringy a major “ick” for some people. Remember if you chose to go on a date you must have thought you found something attractive and intriguing about them. This is why it is important to invest some time into getting to know people. If that date is respectful and a gentleman give them a chance. Give yourself a chance to find someone worth getting to know better.
